


Smile On My Face

by loeynibaek



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Break Up, Canon Compliant, M/M, No Happy Ending Fest, Post-Break Up, Unhappy Ending, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-21
Updated: 2020-02-21
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:22:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22523191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loeynibaek/pseuds/loeynibaek
Summary: “It is not my fault to let go of someone so caring and so precious like Jongin because I want him to meet his dreams.” Kyungsoo thought. He just wants to be happy but he is the one who got rid of his own happiness.
Relationships: Do Kyungsoo | D.O/Kim Jongin | Kai, Jung Soojung | Krystal & Kim Jongin | Kai
Comments: 8
Kudos: 37
Collections: No Happy Ending Fest - 2019





	Smile On My Face

**Author's Note:**

> **Prompt #:** 120  
>  **Prompt:** The moment Kyungsoo looked at him is also the moment that his tears started to flow from his eyes. This man, this man is so near yet so far. So far that he can't even do something to reach him. So far that the only way to be this close to him is at night when everyone is already sleeping. So far that it hurts.
> 
> "Kyu... Kyungsoo-hyung."  
>  **Pairing/Main character(s):** Do Kyungsoo/Kim Jongin , Krystal Jung/Kim Jongin  
>  **Word count:** 5,516  
>  **Author's note:** To Camille, who agreed to be my beta reader, thank you so much! To the mods who held and facilitated this fest, all thanks to you! To Kyungsoo & Jongin, forever.

“Nuni ol kkeot gateunde (bakkeul bwa eoneusae)   
Neomu neujeumyeon an dwae (yaksokae)   
Uriga mannaneun giri eotgalliji anke   
Now all I do (All I do)   
All I do is wait

Translation:

It looks like it could snow (already, look outside)   
You can't be too late (promise me)   
So I don't accidentally miss you on my way   
Now all I do (all I do)   
All I do is wait”

Kyungsoo sang their band’s song entitled ‘Wait’ to his heart’s content. He can see how tears flow in his co-members’ face and he badly want to wipe it all. He performed the song alone because he wrote it himself. No one knows about it aside from Kyungsoo, of course, and their album producer. After 2 years, here they are again, performing. He wanted to keep it to himself right after everything that happened.

**_Just In: EXO’s Do Kyungsoo melted hearts in his comeback performance of their song, ‘Wait’ after 2 years of hiatus and his co-members got emotional. See here…_ **

_ 5 years ago… _

It is a normal Sunday morning for EXO members. The sun is waving its rays upon them, the busy streets of Seoul are still as busy as ever, and the nonstop camera flashes are blinding their eyes the moment they stepped out their entertainment company. Having this life on a daily basis isn’t as easy as it may seem. Yes, it is fun to be a celebrity while receiving love and support from the fans but it is hard to survive too especially when you are weak physically and emotionally.

They are going to have an interview and a pictorial with W Magazine, one of the most prestigious magazine company in South Korea. Their band possess the musicality that everyone can relate. They produce music not only for the teenagers but also for the elders or kids. Flexibility, they say.

In this kind of industry, having an intimate relationship with their co-celebrities are strictly prohibited (sometimes it depends on the company) especially when the person you are committed to is from another company. It will be a chaos. But in Kyungsoo’s case, well, he’s in a relationship with his band member, Kim Jongin.

Kim Jongin or also known as ‘Kai’. A fellow band member, a year younger than him, their center, and their main dancer. He dances like his life depends on it. As Kai, he possess a sexy, extravagant image so people quickly go to judge him by calling him snob, or saying he’s a cocky person but unbeknownst to all of them,  _ that  _ Kai is just an image, a name, and an idea assigned to Jongin. He is the most gentle, soft, caring, and mature man that Kyungsoo have ever got to know. He is also Kyungsoo’s human bear, literally. He cherishes both male and female fans and he cares so much for the children. He has a perfect shaped jaw, his cat-like eyes are shining with dreams, his small dimple that could be seen when he smiled, his body was like crafted by the gods, and he has a bronze skin color that made the smaller fall in love more.

They started to go out 2 years after they made their debut. At first, they thought what they felt was just an infatuation but as time went by, they realized that those feelings should be acknowledged because it is more than infatuation. They hid it from the members at first but when Jongin got jealous with one of their co-member, Kris, it made him infuriated and shouted in their dorm that they ARE in a relationship with each other. Everyone were shocked and looking at them with topsy-turvy eyes so Kyungsoo had no choice but to admit the truth. After confessing the truth to their co-members, to their hyungs, the smaller really thought they would get angry or they will loath them but no.

“We knew.” Junmyeon-hyung told Kyungsoo. “We always knew.”

It’s surprising though because Kyungsoo and Jongin kept their relationship lowkey. They congratulated the two; told them words of encouragement to keep everything strong but Yixing just asked them one favor and that is to keep their relationship from the public because they are cognizant that their company won’t allow this.

After 3 long years with Jongin, everything is going with the flow smoothly and they stayed deeply in love with each other. Funny how the members say that they are too whipped to get separated. They have encountered countless of problems and surpassed them together. Their love is enough to make them live; he can say, until one night while Kyungsoo was reading a book with a sleeping Jongin beside him, he realized so many things so he thought of it for about a million times--a few weeks before coming up with a decision that will hurt the both of them but will suffice his man’s dream.

“I’m sorry, baby.”

\------------------------------------------

“Jongin.” Kyungsoo remained stern as he approach his boyfriend the next week. It is very unusual for him to call Jongin in his first name so Kyungsoo attest how Jongin panicked inside. The smaller’s composure is still present and his presence is too intimidating right now.

“H-hyung?” Jongin retorted with a very quivering voice and a look in his eyes saying he’s confused.

“Let’s break up.”

“W- _ What? _ ”

“I’m breaking up with you.”

“Break up? No way in fucking hell, Do Kyungsoo. No one’s breaking up and that’s final.” It is authoritative. The tone is strong and determined but Kyungsoo is just hurting more.

“Just break up with me! Don’t make it harder for the both of us!”

“NO!”

“And why?!”

“Because I love you! I love you so much that it is okay if you don’t love me anymore! I love you so much that it is hard to survive a day without you! I love you so much that I don’t care what will the public say when we became publicly official! I love you so much that it hurts that you’re breaking up with me right now.” That was the cue for Kyungsoo’s tears to fall. Jongin is already crying the moment he said no and he continued crying while promulgating his love for the other man.

This is tectonic. This is too much, too much for Kyungsoo to handle. It’s not like he doesn’t love him anymore. He has his reasons.

“Jongin, please. I am doing this for your sake too. I want you to have a family. A  _ real  _ family where you can raise a child of your own blood and flesh. I want you to fulfill your dream to become a great father to your children. I can see it, Jongin. You will be a great father in the future so do not waste that opportunity just to be with me. With me who can’t even bare a child. I am not capable of giving you the life that you deserve, Jongin. Find a girl who will fit with your personality very well. Make sure that she will love you more than a precious gem because your worth is continuous. Your worth is more than a price of an ancient diamond and my Maserati combined. It’s not true that I don’t love you anymore. In fact, I’m doing this because I love you so much. So please, understand me. Please let me go and build your own family in the future that I can’t even give. Be happy and don’t forget to smile, okay? Hyung will always be here for you.” Kyungsoo smiled and let all the tears out then he placed a chaste kiss in the man’s forehead.

It’s hard to let go the person that you planned to spend your eternity with, to let go the person that made you feel millions of emotions, to let go the most important person in your life. It is like taking half of him away, killing him in any possible way while sparing his physical body. But he has to be happy, he has to be happy that his man is going to be happy too.

After a minute of witnessing the love of his life so broken in front of him, Kyungsoo turned his back to walk away. Jongin is not looking at him so he thought maybe, just maybe, this is the best time to walk away because he might lose it if he see Jongin’s face. He’s Kyungsoo’s strength and his greatest kryptonite at the same time. So on that very day, he told to himself to set Jongin free at the count of ten.

_ One… _

_ Two… _

_ Three… _

_ Four… _

New year, new Kyungsoo. He promised to himself that he will be better this year, he will try to move on.

_ Five… _

He will not unlove Jongin because it is too impossible to unlove a person that became your everything, even just for once.

_ Six… _

He will just free my heart from all those pains that he experienced from these past months.

_ Seven… _

Tears. Pain. Agony. Suffering. Tears.

Non stop.

And he's already tired.

He just want to rest.

\------------------------------------

**_Fresh: EXO’s Kai and f (x)’s Krystal, confirmed to be dating! See more…_ **

He should know this all along. It has been months since they separated ways. He knows this thing will happen but why does it have to be in a new year morning? Kyungsoo will start this year with pain and live it in pain, too? Isn’t it too much? He ended the past year with so much pain so he thought to start this new year with a peace of mind and a happy heart but what he thought was wrong.

“It is not my fault to let go of someone so caring and so precious like Jongin because I want him to meet his dreams.” Kyungsoo thought. He just want to be happy but he is the one who got rid of his own happiness.

He is too selfless. He never thought of having himself  _ this _ broken hence he always thought about the feelings of the people around him.

Kyungsoo cried himself to sleep. He did not even bothered to go out of his room to eat. His heart is too painful to feel his famishing stomach screaming for food. It hurts. It hurts so much.

_ Eight… _

His birthday is just around the corner as well as his ex-lover's. He is mindful about their day, the KaiSoo day on January 13--- in between their birthdays. Few years ago, they will celebrate the KaiSoo day by dating. Sometimes, going out secretly to watch some movies or Kyungsoo will cook something for dinner while Jongin is baking their cake. He missed that. He's missing those moments that he knew, will never happen again. Not again when he already left Jongin and the man is now dating a person who is not him.

_ Eight… _

"I did it all with a smile on my face

amudo apahaji anado dwae

meoreojeo ganeun neol butjapji ana

nan useumyeo neol tteonabonae

with a smile on my face" 

Translation:

"I did it all with a smile on my face

Nobody should be sick

I will not hold you away

I smile and let you go

With a smile on my face"

"Everyone, EXO's DO! Wow, you never failed to make your vocals legendary! It was a beautiful song that you gave a beautiful version. What is the title of that track again?" The emcee of the show asked him. He's alone in this show because the company said so.

"Ah, yes. The song is entitled, 'Smile on my Face' and it was included in our latest album, Don't Mess Up My Tempo." He showed his heart shaped lips with a smile and bow down ninety degrees.

"The songwriter must have deep emotions while writing this. But anyway, I also heard that you're the writer of this song?"

"Yes, I did wrote the song and I'm dedicating this to our fans, keep on loving us, Eris! Kamsahamnida!"

**_Fresh: EXO's Do Kyungsoo as the writer of the track 'Smile on my Face' with deep emotions was dedicated to whom?_ **

It was 11 in the evening when Kyungsoo reached their dorm after a day full of schedules. It was surprising for him to see the dorm that was usually messy, noisy, and full of childlike people; quiet. The lights in the kitchen are dim and there he found the person that he's comfortable talking to.

"Tired?" The said person asked and handed him a glass of water.

"Ah, water is all I can give you now. But don't worry, Junmyeon-hyung will go and have a grocery shopping tomorrow."

"It's okay, silly. I don't feel like drinking some juice, either. My vocals might be on danger for having too much sweets." The room was quiet for a moment. It was comfortable but they know that they should be initiating something to talk now.

"I watched your live guesting earlier.. You sang really great. And.."

"And?"

"The song.. It's all over the media. They don't believe you that you are dedicating the song to the fans.. I saw comments on the social media that there must be someone behind the song."

"Jongdae, what are you trying to articulate?"

"Even me, I don't believe in what you had said. The first time I read the lyrics for the preparation for recording, your name was written there as the writer. I read it thoroughly. I read it 'til I cried. I can feel the emotions that you're trying to convey, that's why I did my best to give my best vocals in such beautiful song. I have this feeling that the song was written for something or someone that's just too precious to let go. I know this was meant for someone. You're not dedicating it to our fans, right?"

"Of course, I'm not. If I lie, you'll still get the answer out of me. You're one hell of a bestfriend, though."

"Then... to whom?"

"To him."

"Bingo!! I'm right! My speculations are true!!"

"I'm just too broken to the point that I composed such ravishing art." Jongdae didn't bother to know more because he is very much aware how much pain his dear friend had felt. So he patted Kyungsoo's back, getting ready to prepare for bed.

But before he can even stand, Kyungsoo asked questions.

"Where are the others? I'm not used in seeing the dorm this peaceful." He asked, eyeing every corner of the dorm.

"Most of them are already sleeping. Probably tired from playing all day. We spend our day being lazy here then play and eat and now, they are sleeping."

"And why are you still awake?"

"Can't sleep so I went to your room hoping to have some chat with you only to find out that you're still not home so I went here to drink some milk."

"Is there anyone still out?"

"Minseok-hyung is not going home for tonight because the rain is too heavy in Daegu, they can't afford to travel back here. So we're seeing him tomorrow."

"Him?"

"Oh, I guess he's sleeping now. His eyes are red and swollen when he woke up this morning and his headache is getting worse so Junmyeon-hyung tucked him to bed and told him to get some rest." Jongdae heave a deep sigh as he witness how his bestfriend became so soft after hearing his story. "And oh, he's looking for you."

After a small 'thank you' and 'goodnight', they bid each other goodbyes and go straight to their respective rooms but Kyungsoo has other plans.

Kyungsoo was thorned to make a decision. He was thorned between holding on and giving up but he chose to give up on Jongin while still holding onto him. Kyungsoo is suffering from the misery he have made by abiding his love for the man. He is a masochist, yes, by sneaking every night to Jongin’s room when everyone is already in their deep slumber just to stare at his face but that is his way of chastening himself for hurting this precious man before him.

He went straight to his room, the one that they used to share before. First, he checked if the man is in his deep slumber and when he confirmed it, Kyungsoo entered the room quietly. The said man is facing sideways so Kyungsoo stooped down to have a clearer view of the man's face. The man's breathing is steady and slow, indicating that he's sleeping comfortably. The moment Kyungsoo looked at him is also the moment that his tears started to flow from his eyes.

This man, this man is so near yet so far. So far that the only way to be  _ this  _ close to him is at night when everyone is already sleeping. So far that it hurts. Kyungsoo’s eyes are becoming faucet of tears, never getting tired or releasing salty transparent liquids that contain feelings and emotions.

_ Nine… _

Kyungsoo is preventing himself from touching the man in front of him but this man is a living temptation so he caress his cheek with his thumb to feel its warmth. He's not wrong, the man still has his warmth that brings familiarity to him.

“Jongin, always take care of yourself okay? You already have  _ her _ to watch over you, to bring you medicine, to cook for you, to sing for you, and to love you. Don’t make me worry by seeing your red, puffy eyes each morning, indicating that you cried yourself to sleep. I’m sorry, hyung will not be there anymore to hug you during your worst moments and tell you that everything’s going to be fine. I know you’re strong and you deserve everything in this world. Keep on dancing for our fans and for yourself, okay? It is your passion, make it last. And lastly, I’m sorry. Hyung is so sorry for everything, Nini bear. I love you and I have no plan to stop.” These words are left unsaid but his eyes are talking, telling these to Jongin. His mind speaks the words that his mouth is terrified to say.

Also, it's dangerous. It's dangerous to love and to be with this man because in every little actions, Kyungsoo's heart might explode from affection. So no one can blame him for hurting this way. After an hour of starting at the love of his life, he finally had the courage to stand up and go to his room. He's contented like this, getting close with this man without anyone knowing. 

He is not a coward, he is just cautious because Jongin might hear those words and their situation will be more complex than it is.

“Kyu… Kyungsoo-hyung.”

Kyungsoo’s heart skipped a beat. It feels like a decade when he last heard Jongin call him like that; it feels like his name is so precious, so good to hear especially when it was voiced by the one he loves. But at the same time, he became nervous. Is Jongin awake?

He got up from his sitting position to see if the man before him is already awake but no, he’s not. So why did he call Kyungsoo? And there, he remembered that sometimes, Jongin is talking in his sleep but why did he say ‘Kyungsoo-hyung’ out of all the other words?

Maybe, Kyungsoo thinks, Jongin is dreaming of him and it’s enough to add more fuel to his fire of self-torture.

_ Nine… _

Whilst filming for his movie ‘Along with the Gods: The Last 49 Days,’ it made him conclude one important thing.

_ 'Those who meet must part at some point. Those who part, will return.' _

It's a cycle, they say. Not everyone who meet will stay until the end. Like Kyungsoo and Jongin, they met at the most unexpected time and chose to part at the most unforeseen time too. Parting must be a part of their lives because it will teach them how to be strong while separated from the ones they love. Those who left, will return but not all of them. Most people are leaving because it will do good for everyone excluding themselves. Some people who left had no choice but to leave. It's against their hearts and minds but they chose to depart in order for their loved ones to be happy. If some people left because they are selfless, some people also left because they are solipsistic.

_ Why? _

Why didn't he answered and fought for Kyungsoo the day he decided to end everything? Questions are bombarding the smaller’s mind ever since they broke up. He is somehow wondering if Jongin didn't agree, what will happen now? He will continue to ignore his conscience and let this bother him for who-knows-how-long? If Jongin didn't agree, maybe they are still happy now and maybe the pain that they had felt didn't even get to the picture.

But no, if Jongin didn't agree, Kyungsoo will still insist the break up for the same argument all over again so no need to think about the what if's. He will do anything to get what he wants because he believes it will be for the better.

_ Nine… _

It's not Jongin's nor Krystal's fault that he is currently hurting like this. It is his fault. His fault for engaging himself in a situation where winning is ungraspable. He knew it. He knew this would be impermanent but he still did it. He is a futuristic person and he came to realize the not-so-good consequences of his decisions before putting them into words but love made him defy his own mind. He told to himself that no matter how much he loves Jongin, he will not date him or he will not be intimate in any ways with him but love made him do otherwise.

That's how puissant love is.

It can make the most loyal person double-cross himself or herself. It has the clutch to make you form a decision that will surely last and it can change the people's lives. That's why after Jongin, he has no plans to fall in love again because no one can equate the love he have for the man and he  _ is  _ scared now. He is scared of being in love. It destroyed him big time once, it's not impossible for it to ruin him again.

It's nearly four months since they parted ways but the pain and memories are still pristine in Kyungsoo’s mind. It was his decision, right? He was the one who left so he must be happy now that his wishes are already granted--for Jongin to find a girl to love and cherish him. It was his decision so he must move forward but he can't.

He just can't.

\--------------------------------------------

“Kyungsoo-hyung, can we talk?" It was a sunny day of the second week of the year and everyone's busy, preparing for their one week vacation until the person that he least expected to see is in his front now.

"What do we need to talk about?" Kyungsoo’s voice was cold, just like the last time, it lacks of emotions.

A great pretender, indeed.

"H-hyung." Jongin pleaded.

"What is it? Because if you have nothing to say, I'll excuse myself. I still have to prepare for my vacation."

"Aren't you happy for me, hyung?"

"Jongin, are you hearing yourself? Me? You are asking me if I'm happy for you? Jongin, please! It's remorseless to feel that gladness for you especially if I'm not the reason of your smiles anymore!" Kyungsoo is now in the verge of crying but he immediately wiped the tears.

No, Jongin can't see him like this. He can't see him crying. Anyways, it's just him. It's just Jongin. The Jongin slash his band member for six years and counting. The Jongin who is lazy to bring his medicines despite always getting sick so Kyungsoo will bring it for him. The Jongin who owns three dogs. The Jongin that is also known as 'Nini Bear'. The Jongin that will demand for his kimchi spaghetti for midnight snack. The Jongin that made chicken a part of his every meal. The dancing machine. The group's main dancer. The most special person in Kyungsoo’s life. The Jongin that... he loves and the Jongin who used to love him.

"Kyungsoo-hyung, aren't you happy for me? Why did you just scrutinized me? Is there anything in my face?" Jongin is confused because when he asked Kyungsoo, he didn’t know that he just stared at Jongin and didn’t even answered.

"No, there's nothing on your face. I just thought how happy I am that you're already happy."

_ Liar. _

"Even if not with me." Kyungsoo wanted to add but chose not to so he smiled at Jongin, patted his back and go straight to his room to release all the tears that he have been holding for too long.

_ Nine… _

A few months later, Jongin and Krystal’s break up shocked the whole industry. Everyone thought that the two would settle down and get married but no, they decided to part ways for some unknown reason and based on Kyungsoo’s reliable source, his best friend Jongdae, Jongin was the one who initiated the break up.

Kyungsoo’s heart ached at the news. He thought his Jongin is already happy but why did he chose to leave that girl so tonight, he will talk to him and clear all his confusions.

“Jongin?” Kyungsoo approached him with a silent tone.

“Yes, hyung? Do you need anything?”

“No, actually I’m here to ask something. If it is okay, um, why did you broke up with Krystal? I thought you’re already happy with her so why did you let her go?”

“Hyung, it’s ironic how you ask the question that was meant to be asked to you. You, why did you let me go when we’re already happy with each other?” His famous smirk is on and he’s getting on the smaller’s nerves.

“Are you dumb? Didn’t I told you my reasons?! Isn’t it acceptable?! I just want you to be happy! To have your own real family that I cannot give!” Kyungsoo can’t help but to raise his voice. He is sad and hurt at the same time.

“I am not happy with her, hyung.”

“So why did you dated her?!”

“To forget you! But I can’t and I can’t afford to hurt Krystal more because I didn’t love her enough like I do to you.” Kyungsoo saw how tears streamed through Jongin’s eyes. Oh, how he badly want to wipe it all so he took the chance to go near him, to obliterate those. “We already talked, she understood and she said she always knew that she cannot replace you in my heart.”

“I’m sorry you have to go all through this because of me, my Nini. I’m sorry, love. Forgive me.”

They decided to lay down in Jongin’s bed while cuddling each other, savoring each others’ warmth. Jongin is kissing Kyungsoo’s head for after every minute and that gave him a reassurance that this man is still so in love with him. While staring at the ceiling, he remembered why he broke up with him in the first place but he disregarded that for now.

He will not acknowledge his conscience tonight. Just for tonight.

They stared lovingly to each other until Jongin is already leaning down to kiss his lips and make this night the best night of their lives.

“I love you, Kyungsoo-hyung. Don’t leave me anymore.”

_ Nine… _

The next morning, he found himself still cuddled with his man. Kyungsoo saw his sleeping face that he will surely miss and kissed his cute pointed nose. He took his time to memorize all his facial features because he doesn’t know if he will ever see this again right after he made another life changing decision.

“Good morning, sunshine.” Jongin greeted as soon as he opened his eyes. Please, let Kyungsoo pause this moment for he just want to embrace his man more.

“Good morning too, handsome.” Kyungsoo smiled but this smile is full of agony and pain. He can’t let love overpower his decisions and hinder Jongin’s dreams---again.

“What are we now, love? Are you coming back to me?” This is the question that he have been averting since last night.

_ Nine… _

“No, Jongin. No one’s coming back. I’ll stick with my first decision.” Kyungsoo started to get up and gather his things when a hand grabbed his wrist to stop him.

“What is the problem now, huh?”

“Same issue, nothing changed.” He shrugged.

“So why did you stayed last night? Why did you let me make love to you if you will just leave me after? I’m tired of this, Kyungsoo-hyung. Please, if you are joking, stop it now because it’s not funny anymore.” It’s bittersweet. He want their last moment to be a happy one but why does it have to turn this way?

They are both hurting.

“Just.. just remember this, my love. I love you. I didn’t stop and I have no plans to do so. Remember this, okay? Find me in our next lifetime. Maybe in that lifetime, everything is fine. Let us try if Fate will be on our side in our next lifetimes. Find me and love me again. Find me and let us continue our story that will be interrupted for now.” Kyungsoo can’t stop himself from crying. He does not want to leave just yet. He does not want to let Jongin go so he kissed his plump lips and bid his last goodbye, “Goodbye, my love. All of this is for you, for us. Be happy and don’t find me anymore.”

He smiled, and let him go with tears in his eyes and a smile on his face.

\-------------------------------------------------

Letting go when everything finally falls into place is the most scariest thing that Kyungsoo could ever do. He should have stayed that now, everything is alright but he chose to leave and never come back, for good. He did it once, twice, and he does not want to do it for the third time. He left the first time because he want his Jongin to have a normal life and a loving family that he can’t provide so for the second time around, he departed for the same reason.

_ Nine… _

_ Nine… _

_ Nine… _

_ PRESENT TIME _

After their performance, he go straight to his own room to take some shower and to change his clothes. After cleaning himself, he laid back on his bed to sleep. But seems like his mind is not letting him sleep so the thoughts came rushing to his mind again. This is what he hates the most. The reminiscing of happy and sad memories while staring at the ceiling. It pains him how he can vividly remember each fiber of every memories.

_ "Jongin, if ever you found someone who can love you more than I do, don't hesitate to tell me okay? If you found a girl who can comfort you and love you with all of her heart, tell me okay? So I can prepare myself." Kyungsoo said while listening to Jongin's heartbeat. It's comfortable there, laying in his man's chest. _

_ "Hyung? What are you talking about?" Jongin replied, confusion all over his face. _

_ "Nothing. I'm just telling you to tell me if you already found your the one." Kyungsoo's saying these words like its the most normal thing he could ever say but no. He's hurting and he's hurting Jongin. _

_ "But I've found him. I found you." The younger tighten his embrace to the smaller man on his chest. _

_ "Do you really believe that I am the one?" _

_ "I do." _

_ "But don't forget what I said, okay?" Kyungsoo get up and pecked Jongin's plump lips. _

_ "Goodnight, love." _

But that was years ago--back when they were still together.

He woke up early to prepare and here he is in other comeback stage together with the 3 other EXO members. They were 12 but now, they are only 5. Some members are on their military service like Jongin and some of them already left to settle down and live their lives outside this industry. After this performance, Kyungsoo will completely vanish from the entertainment industry. As they comeback from a 2 year hiatus, he could say that this is the new him. He spent that two years to go around the world, trying to forget every fiber of each memory of Kim Jongin but he just can’t or he just does not want to. Jongin will always be in Kyungsoo’s heart and no matter how many lifetime will pass, Kyungsoo find him too and love him over and over again.

Kyungsoo learned that giving up doesn’t equalize weakness. Sometimes, giving up just signifies that people will do everything, even giving everything up just to meet their desires.

_ Nine… _

“Kyungsoo! Wow! The 2 year hiatus made you well! How are you now?” Jongdae asked.

_ Nine… _

“I’m fine and I’m better than ever.”

_ Nine… _

“ _ Him?  _ Do you still love him?”

_ Nine… _

“I didn’t stop.”

_ Nine… _

_ Nine… _

_ Nine… _

_ Nine… _

_ Nine… _

_ And he never said ten. _


End file.
